Man, now I’m thinking about David Letterman’s penis. I didn’t even know he had one. Given that I don’t often find myself thinking of other men’s members, it came as a shock to me, much in the way Mike Tyson’s and Bill Clinton’s little guys crept into my subconscious a number of years ago.
Thursday night, over ten stupefying minutes, we learned that Letterman’s been sleeping with an undisclosed number of female staff members over an indeterminate length of time…and that some dirtbag tried to blackmail him for $2 million. Letterman took legal recourse, had the dirtbag arrested, and tackled this hugely discomforting issue head-on, in front of a live audience, five million late-night television viewers and certain viral video infamy. It was great, if gruesome, theatre.

Longtime Letterman watchers likely found his on-screen confession startling. Through the years – and especially during his long run on NBC (1982-1993) – Letterman famously shied away from both personal life stories and frank sex talk. We were aware he’d been married before fame came knocking, and there was that issue with the woman stalker, but he otherwise kept a tight lid on things. He was amusingly chastened whenever a guest brought sex into the conversation too, a figurative finger tugging at his shirt collar while he quickly, forcibly changed the subject.
At CBS (1993-present), he’s loosened up considerably. Sometimes it’s been forced upon him: Drew Barrymore’s table dance, Madonna’s purple interview, Demi Moore’s bikini flash, etc. And he’s invited Dr. Ruth on the show to do her thing, with bashful sufferance. Nonetheless, Letterman’s personal life has stayed off-limits, aside from running gags featuring his mother Dorothy, and a well-documented quintuple-bypass operation in 2000.
But the game’s changed. Jesus, Dave is a sexual being. Who knew? First, there was son Harry’s 2003 birth. And earlier this year, he married his girlfriend of 23 years, Regina Lasko. This is hardly Hugh Hefner-level debauchery, but the thought Letterman did regular guy-type stuff never really occurred to me.
And I kind of liked it that way.
Letterman, much like his role model Johnny Carson, kept his private shit private. It’s always lent him an air of detachment, from the brilliantly snarky salad days on NBC to his current status as éminence grise of late-night American T.V. That’s all shot to hell now.
As suddenly as he flung open the door to his off-camera life, Letterman sought to shut it.
“I don’t plan to say much more about this, on this particular topic, so thank you for letting me bend your ears.”
And with that, he threw to a commercial break.
I believe him when he says he doesn’t wish to publicly address it again. Bully for him. But I can’t see how he can avoid the rubberneckers, especially when CBS starts fielding the inevitable calls from skittish sponsors looking to distance their brand from the tarnished icon.
Extramarital shenanigans have gone on for like forever, and it’s always surprised me how much press this stuff gets. The American public was titillated, and then disgusted, 60 years ago when Frank Sinatra left his first wife Nancy for Ava Gardner. It nearly skewered his career, and helped birth the breathless tabloid approach to entertainment journalism.
I hate to ask this, because I’m not sure there’s a proper answer, but does it matter in 2009 that David Letterman may be an adulterer? Adultery is run-of-the-mill news in Hollywood. It’s not uncommon in our off-Broadway lives, either. But extortion! With the admission delivered live on national television? Now that’s movie-of-the-week material!
A private life, exploded into public theatre. Letterman, master ironist, would surely recognize the paradox.
1 month ago